feeling awkwardly strange today. like all the normalcy in my life has gone. i started to have all of these negative thoughts the moment i woke up from bed this morning. i asked myself a lot of silly questions. what if there happens to be a day, just that one day, when everyone is against me and no one bothers about me?? how am i going to continue living when both of my parents have.... you know what.
oh my dad has terminated his dialysis sessions at this private dialysis center (as he couldn't get treatment from the NKF) yesterday. i know that the cost is just too expensive per session. it is around 100 bucks and he needs to go for dialysis thrice a week. but stopping from getting his blood dialyzed? he's just putting his life on the line. his decision is risky. i'm terrified now. losing him at this age? no! i shouldn't be thinking like this. i eavesdropped a conversation b/n him n a doctor recently. e doc said that if he is to stop the dialysis, he is just waiting time to... in just a few weeks time, he will feel extremely lethargic n experiences swellings throughout his body. the toxic will accumulate in his two already damaged kidneys and... argh!!! tnx to this friend of my mom who works at this company which sells health products. she said that these products can help in getting the kidneys back functioning. doesn't she know that once the kidneys failed, there is no way or chance that these kidneys can work again. maybe my knowledge on kidneys isn't that great, but i know this simple fact about the organ. she managed to psycho my mom to prevent my dad from getting dialysis treatment and ya lets see what shit she is giving my dad. i dnt wnt to lose him yet. he is e reason y i am always smiling, laughing albeit the loads of homeworks still need to be done. remedy, she says. don't think so. i feel like sacrificing... neh... donating one of my two kidneys to my dad. bt i'm too young to do that. anyway, i still have no idea of which blood group i belong to. but maybe what my mom's fren has claimed was true, maybe e kidneys can still function normally. hmm. ah forget it. thoughts are just thoughts and are not facts. now surfing the internet to learn more about kidneys. heck holiday assignments. family first. and i'm looking for job. any recommendations???
okay, i shall stop using the com for a while. will try my best. going on hiatus? eh sounds so girlish. neh i'm doing this so that e electricity bill won't exceed the family's budget. shall stop buzzing. i don't deserve to buzz. neither do i deserve _ _ _ _ _ _. i feel like a bastard. playing with two hearts. actually i've met buzz much much earlier than _ _ _ _ _ _ but ddnt knw buzz that well at tht moment, which was last year n my focus was all on studies. then there was this event this yr which i went with _ and many others to the trainings which started 2 months before e actual thingy. interested in _ for merely a short while till i found out that my good friend also liked her. then stopped. when _ found out that i liked _, i met buzz who also participated in e event. then we started to talk, a lot. problem was tht _ knew i liked her n... ya la ya la. but buzz... indecisive? my 1st time ever liking two Gs at one time, n i don't like it. only mat-s do tht n i'm not one of them. _ _ _ _ _ is too pretty for me. buzz is so different from many girls i met. not minah, i hope. bt i'm more on buzz than _. a yr makes a lot of diff u knw, like wht jun yang said. i've told smtg bout me. unexpected? yeah true much. i'm a bastard, true to wht sufi said bout me on e blog. & bastards do not worth a good life. anyway, they r too good for me, both of them. i dnt deserve to live! forgive me, please.
hmm.. reminiscing all the good moments i have had for as long as that i can rmbr, with family, frens and the people i met. then i shall start getting serious on resolving my dad's problem. shall start with a research first. bismillah... i shall prioritize finding solutions for my dad's ailment rather than buzzing around nw.
bye/adios/proschi/adieu/arrividerci/aloha/auf wiedershen/hey doh/wasalam
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